BIBLE JOKES

from ASKTHEBIBLE.COM

Thanks everyone for your contributions to this site. Jokes have been sent in over the last year and are now included.
and YES, you can send us Bible Jokes to add to our list but certainly not Sexual or Blasphemous ones.

Which biblical character was the youngest to speak foul language?
AAAAAJob, because he cursed the day he was born.

Did you know Jesus was an American Indian?
AAAAAHis name was chief cornerstone.

Who was the fastest runner in the bible?
AAAAAAdam because he started first in the human race.

Why didn’t Cain bring God an acceptable offering?
AAAAABecause he wasn’t Abel!

How did Moses make his tea?
AAAAA"Hebrewed" it

Who is the shortest man in the Bible?
AAAAANehemiah (KneehighMiah)

A TRUTH
What is the one and only “man made” thing in heaven?
AAAAAThe scars from nails on Jesus hands and feet!

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
AAAAANoah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
AAAAAPharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out little prophet.

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
AAAAARuth-less.

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
AAAAANebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

What did Eve ask Adam during their first argument?
AAAAA"Adam, is there another woman?"

At what time of day was Adam created?
AAAAAA little before Eve.

Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
AAAAANo, it was an apple.

Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
AAAAAIn Genesis, when God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

JOKES about NOAH

Why on Noah's ark couldn't they eat apples?
AAAAABecause they only came in pears

On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows on-board. What did he get from the ducks?
AAAAAQuackers

Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
AAAAAThe Giraffe

When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
AAAAA When Noah took Ham into the ark.

Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
AAAAA Because they were using "fowl" language.

How many people went on board the Ark before Noah?
AAAAA Three, because it says "... and Noah went forth"

JOKES LOT'S WIFE

Lot's last words to his wife?
AAAAA...Honey, is someone following

OR

Why was a woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
AAAAABecause she was dissatisfied with her Lot.

GENERAL BIBLE JOKES

Why should we all be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
AAAAA Because, Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.

Why was everyone in Biblical times so poor?
AAAAA Because there was only one Job!..

How long did Cain dislike his brother?
AAAAA As long as he was Abel.

*********
A Joke about a Pastor

A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:

Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me."

The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastors message was another scripture passage.

It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."
*********


Where in the Bible does it say that men do the dishes?
AAAAA 2 Kings 21:13 "...and I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down to dry."

What was Noah's greatest worry?
AAAAA The pair of mosquitoes.

What's the greatest case of constipation in the Bible?
AAAAA Satan the devil. Revelation says he will be bound up for a thousand years! (Rev 20:2 KJV)

Where is the first example of cannibalism in the Bible?
AAAAA Two Kings Ate One!

Who is the shortest person in the Bible?
AAAAA Bildad the Shuhite! . . . or . . .
 AAAAAA Knee High Miah! . . .or . . .
 AAAAAAA Peter (when he slept on his watch) . . . or . .
 AAAAAAAA Jesus (when He spoke on a mustard seed)


Who is the largest woman in the Bible?
AAAAA The woman of Some area (Samaria Jn 4)

How do we know Moses wore a wig?
AAAAA Sometimes he was with Aaron and sometimes he wasn't!

When is the first food fight mentioned in the Bible?
AAAAA "I looked and behold a flying roll!" (Zech 5:1 KJV)

Do you know the phone number for the Garden of Eden?
AAAAA Adam 8-1-2!

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
AAAAANebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
AAAAA1). Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a FURY.

AAAAAA2). David's TRIUMPH was heard throughout the land.

AAAAAAA3). HONDA...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

AAAAAAAA4). 2 Corinthians 4 v 8 describes going out in service maybe in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed."

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
AAAAASamson. He brought the house down.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
AAAAAIn the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
AAAAAThey were really put out.

Why couldn't Noah's wife and sons play cards on the Ark?
AAAAA Because Noah sat on the deck.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
AAAAAThey really raised Cain.

 What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
AAAAAYour mother ate us out of house and home.

 The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
AAAAAThey used floodlights.

 Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
AAAAADavid. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

 Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
AAAAAThe thought had never entered his head before.

What do they call pastors in Germany?
AAAAAGerman Shepherds.

What is the best way to get to Paradise?
AAAAATurn right and go straight.

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
AAAAAMoses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
AAAAAThe area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
AAAAABecause in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

 Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
AAAAAWhen Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

 Where was the first cricket match mentioned in the Bible?
AAAAAAt Pentecost when Peter stood up with the eleven and was bowled. (bold)!!.

 Did you know that Paul was the 1st surfer in the Bible?
AAAAARemember in Acts when he "came ashore on a board"!.

 How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
AAAAA Because they pulled it's ears.

 Which Bible character had no parents?
AAAAA(1) Joshua, son of Nun
AAAAAA(2) Jonah, because he was brought up by a whale.

 How do they make holy water?
AAAAA They boil the hell out of it!

************

A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He spoke about the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, " that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"

"Sir, I would point out to him," one of the students said, "What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Matthew. 19:v6)"

************
Bible Joke from Colin (UK)

One day, Jesus and the Devil were having a discussion about who was best, so God suggested a typing competition. So God sat them down at two computers, one each, and told them to type up an article written on a piece of paper. The first to complete the typing would win.

Anyway, both Jesus and the Devil were typing away frantically, when there was a power cut and both computers switched off. Their typing work had disappeared from the two screens.

When the power was restored, and the computers re-booted, Jesus's work re-appeared on his screen, but the Devil could get nothing back and had lost all his work. So Jesus was declared the winner. The Devil complained bitterly to God saying that it wasn't fair at all and demanded a rematch, but God said,

"Stop whinging Satan, you know why Jesus got his work back - everyone knows "JESUS SAVES!"

************
Bible Joke from Dave Okunade

One Saturday the Pastor's 5 year old daughter complained of a stomach ache to her mother. Her mother replied, "That's because you have an empty stomach. You need to feed it with something."

The next day her father sat down after a long sermon and complained of a headache. His daughter replied, "That's because you have nothing in your head you need to feed it with something."

The Cake Joke from Leslie McMaster & Sissy (Texas)

There was a church bazaar and a woman baked a cake to donate to raise money for the church. Upon taking it out of the oven she dropped it and the cake's center fell to the floor ruined.
With no time to make another cake, she ingeniously set a roll of bathroom tissue in the centre and slathered icing all over.
She then sent her daughter to deliver the cake, and gave her money, with explicit instructions to present the cake for sale and then to immediately buy it back.
A great idea!
But unfortunately it didn't go to plan and the cake was purchased immediately by someone else.

The following day this woman went to play bridge. There on the hostess' table was "her" cake.

She was very worried, knowing what was inside the cake. However, knowing her staring eyes had been watched see quickly commented, "Oh My, What a beautiful cake!"

The hostess replied without batting an eye lid.

"Thank you, I baked it myself."
************
From John Mason

We know that the Apostle Paul was a tent maker. What was his other occupation?"

A Baker of course, The Bible says he went to "Fill a Pie".

************


 And the award for the "best known tourist guide in written history" goes to Moses: "

Awarded for leading thousands people over deserts for over 40 years, while listening to "Are we there yet?"

************


 Moses was up on the mountain with God complaining that the people were disobeying Him and not following directions, and God becames tired of their actions.

So God told Moses to give the people 2 tablets and call Him in the morning.

************


 A certain man made a visit to one of his relatives in a far country who welcomed him and invited him to a church service the following day. The man had never been to a church. During the service, the pastor requested the visitors to stand up and he stood. After mentioning his name and where he came from, the pastor asked him whether he knows Jesus and he replied, “Pastor, I am still new in this place. I do not know anyone here!”

************


 Did you hear how the devil is having trouble with the economy?

The wages of sin went up 10% last year.

You know the Bible says to make yourself a living sacrifice unto God?

You know the problem with a living sacrifice? It keeps crawling off the altar.

from Mack
************

 Moses was up on Mount Sinai with God complaining that the Isrealites have all come down with the flu, getting the common cold, chicken pox, measles, mumps and so forth.

So God told Moses to give the Isrealites two tablets and to call Him in the morning.
************


 A story was told of a man who had a debt and for a long time failed to settle it with his debtors. One day seated outside his house, he saw his debtors coming and very quickly he called his young son and told him if anybody asks about his whereabouts, he should answer that he has gone for a journey to see his people in another village. He then quickly decided to hide behind a large cabinet in the living room.

When the debtors arrived, they asked the young boy, “Son! Where is your father?” “He said he was going to another village to see his people.” the boy replied. Then debtors asked the boy “When is he coming back?”.

The young boy confused rushed towards the house and to the cabinet shouting, “Dad! When are you coming back?”

Moral is Pay your debts
************


 A pastor was walking through the church and spotted young Billy fixated on the back wall.
Pastor: “What are you looking at, Billy?”
Billy: “Pastor, why are there names on all these bricks?”
Pastor (solemnly): “Those are the names of people who have died in the service”
Billy: “Oh... Was that the 10-00 o’clock Service, or the 12-00-o’clock Service?

************
A CHRISTMAS CARTOON FROM Mr STEVE BREEN (A great talent). Thanks Steve and a Merry and Happy Christmas to you.


We are happy to add additional Bible jokes to the site. Please email us and state your name. Your Bible Jokes must be of the clean variety and not blasphemous of course. EMAIL us your Bible Jokes by Clicking here

ASKTHEBIBLE Home page
23 August 2013